Saturday, September 6, 2014

I'm Sorry, We Ran Away!

About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog about being lonely in CT.  In that blog I talked about feeling all alone, and wondering why God would send us to CT, only for us to feel utterly hopeless. By the time I posted the blog, I had pushed through a lot of those feelings and was starting to really feel like we were going to be okay.  Then, we came "home" (to SC) for a visit.  During that visit, the homesick feeling came back with a vengeance.  I never wanted to come home so badly as I did after that vacation.  I thought that once we got home from vacation, and settled back into reality, those feelings would go away... but they didn't.  I felt so alone.. and the only thing I thought about was going back to SC.  So, I told Eric that I wanted to leave.  I just blurted it out one day.  With tears in my eyes, I said to him "I want to go home."  I never saw a man jump on a bandwagon so quickly.  I told him I wanted to go home on Wednesday, and early Monday morning I was on the road.  Part of me was relieved and happy, and part of me wondered if what we were doing was right.  When we decided to move to Connecticut, the one thing I remember is that even though it was scary, I never questioned if what we were doing was right, and neither did Eric.  Even in the midst of all the hardship and struggles while we were living there, I always knew that we were where God wanted us to be.  But, when I said I wanted to go home... deep deep down, I knew that what we were doing was for us.. and honestly, I didn't ask God... because I didn't want to hear the answer.  I knew the answer.  The answer was "no" but I wasn't willing to listen.  In many ways, coming home was harder then feeling homesick.  For probably the first time in my life, I had deliberately disobeyed God, and that was truly a feeling of hopelessness.  I started to really question where I stood with the Lord.  I was deeply sorry for running away, and I wanted to somehow make it right, but I didn't know how.  I knew that I was not willing to go back, and so how could I truly repent?  It felt like I would just be saying "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, but I'm still not willing to listen to you."  But through that hopelessness, God worked.  For the first time in my life, I deeply realized my need for God's grace.  God revealed Himself to me in a way that I had not known Him before. Before, I "knew" that God was gracious, but I didn't "know" God's graciousness.  And so started my journey of repentance, forgiveness and learning to love myself again.  I was at probably my lowest point in my life, and God used those moments to mold me and mend me.  Things are still not perfect, but I know that Gods' plan for my life is good.  God knew that we would "go" when He said "go" and He knew we would run when he said "no!"  But he did not leave me.  He did not turn His back on me even in my disobedience.  He is the same, yesterday, today and forever, and for that I am ever thankful.

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

2 Duet 31:8
The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave your, nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.

Daddy's Girl

For those of you who may not know this, I am the worlds biggest Daddy's girl!  I still,(at 28) sit on my dads lap... Every chance I get, I squeeze my big ol' booty in between my mom and dad... I pull down my hair so he can play with it.. and kiss my dad smack dab on the lips.  My dad is my hero, and he always will be. 

Now that I am a mom, I can see how special that relationship really is.  I see it with my little girls and their daddy.  My sweet Hubby is the best Dad I have ever seen.  He is, by far, one of the most 'hands on' dads around.  And it is not because I make him.  Its because he really want's to be.  He loves being a dad.  And my kids LOVE having him for one.  

I truly believe that a HUGE part of the reason that I chose Eric to be my husband, is because I had my dad as an awesome example of what I would want in my hubby.  I didn't even know it at the time, but I can see it now. 

Oh Daddy's your job is SOOO important.  And I am not talking about when you get up each morning and head off to work.  I am talking about the job of being a Dad.  You are the standard by which your sons measure themselves, and by which you're daughters measure their worth.  How you train your young boys up,will make an everlasting impact in how they treat women.  And how you love you're daughters (and their mom) will make an everlasting impact in whether or not they will compromise when it comes to a man.  
I am beyond grateful that God saw fit to give me the Dad that he did.  And I am so thankful that he put Eric in my life so that we can raise up our children in the way that they should go.  
(Babe, I know that sometimes you are extra super hard on yourself, but I want you to know how I think you are doing as a Daddy... You ROCK!  You are the Best!  You amaze me!) 

Proverbs 22:6
Train up a child in the way that he should go, and when he is old, he shall not depart from it. 

(Daddy Daughter Date with my awesome sisters)

(Daddy Daughter Dance: My hubby and our two precious girls)

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Love Legacy

If you could pick one word that you would hope people would use to describe you, what would that be? 
That is the question I was asked, by the very nice man on the other end of the radio, tonight.  When that question came out of his mouth, INSTANTLY, I thought LOVE.  There was not even the slightest question in my mind that I would want to be known as the girl who LOVED.  
Loved God, Loved Family, Loved People, Loved Life.  Just Loved!  And it's no wonder, since that is exactly what the bible calls us to do. But, if I had to guess,that would probably NOT be the first word people would use to describe me.  
Maybe LOUD? (Yeah, definitely LOUD!)  Perhaps impatient? Certainly a little Cray Cray! (Yes, I'm 28 years old, and I pulled out the "Cray Cray" card.)  My kids would probably use the word "yell".. or maybe that would be my hubby. Although if it was my hubby it would probably be attached to the words "Could you PLEASE try not to _____ so much!"... which of course would only make me yell all the more. Some might even use the word Rebellious. Yup, I know it's hard to believe, but I have been accused of such a thing.
And, I am all of those things.  Probably much more so then I am loving.  But, that is not my heart beat, Love is.  LOVE GOD, LOVE PEOPLE.  That is what this life is all about.  Time and time again I have asked the question... "What am I doing here?  As a Christian, what is my role in this world?" LOVE.  That is the answer.  It was the answer when I first asked the question, and it's still the answer. All to often, I let my life get bogged down with everything going on around me, and I forget.  I forget that I have a mission.  I forget that I was chosen.  I forget to not waste these precious moments that God has allowed me.  And I forget to LOVE.  
If I could leave a LOVE LEGACY everywhere I went, that would be enough for me. What's your word?

Luke 10:27
He answered, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind, and Love your neighbor as yourself."

1 Corinthians 13:13
And now, these three remain;  Faith, Hope and Love, but the greatest of these is LOVE.

Monday, May 20, 2013

#Stay Motivated #Live Healthy #Give God the Glory!

Okay, so when I started this blog, I promised to be transparent and share the good, the bad and the ugly... Well this is a little bit of the ugly!!

I have struggled with my weight since high school.  No, I was totally and completely out of control, but I certainly was never happy with my weight, and always wished to be 10, 15 and/or 20 lbs lighter at about all times.  When I was a junior I started to pack on the pounds and by the end of my senior year I had jumped from about 150 lbs to almost 200 lbs.  When I got married, I decided that I had finally had enough, and I started to live a healthy lifestyle.  I lost 35 lbs and was back into my 170's.  It felt GREAT! :)  and then... Prego girl came along and all Hell broke loose!!  3 babies later and 50 lbs heavier = not very pleased!!

I have been trying to lose weight without telling many people for a long time, because by golly what if I fail, and then everyone will know!!   But not only has it kept everyone from knowing that I am failing, it has also kept me from the encouragement that I might need in order to be able to succeed!  On top of that, I am only giving myself every excuse to be able to quit!!  That's dumb!!  So, I'm sick of it!!  I want to lose some weight!  There you have it.  And if I'm not losing weight, then I am failing!!  Ta Da!!  This is me!  It just happens to be one of my ugly sides!!

I know this much, I don't know very many ladies who don't want to shed even just a few pounds.  Here's the deal tho, how come??  Is it because we want to be healthy in every area of our lives?? Or is is because we have this idea of what every woman should look like, and we just don't fit into that mold??  It would be a lie if I told you that I don't have any of those thoughts.  Actually lets get real, Most of the reason I want to lose weight is because I don't feel pretty!  I know that's sad, but maybe if I can admit it, I can overcome it!!

Father, Help me to remember that my worth is not in this world, but rather it is in YOU!! Help me to want to lose weight so that I can be the best me, healthy in all areas of my life, instead of feeling insure and ugly!!  You are bigger then me and my issues and you can help me to overcome!!  Lord, I want to be able to celebrate the little victories, and to give You all the glory through my weight loss process.  And when I fail, because I will fail, help me to give it back to you and move forward!
Seeking You, ~ Hi-D~
 Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013


I think the word Lonely is an understatement for how I feel right now.  I feel like my little family is ALL alone in the whole state of Connecticut, and it is making me second guess everything that once seemed so clear!  I thought I heard God say "Go!" and it was completely confirmed to me when Eric heard that same word!  So why now, only 7 months into this endeavor that we both felt Christ leading us on, am I feeling so alone?  I miss everyone.  I said the other day that I was even missing people that I rarely hung out with.  I want somewhere to go when things get too overwhelming at the house!  I want to be able to call someone up and see if they wanna go to the store with me.  I want to go barge in at my mom and dad's house whenever I darn well please.. and stay as long as I like (even if NO ONE is home!)  I want to be able to cry to my daddy when things get to tough and I just want PEOPLE!  I don't know if I'm cut out for this!  It might just be TOOO hard!  Am I allowed to fail?  I just want to go HOME!  My heart hurts so bad!

Lord, I don't know why I feel the way I do!  I don't know if we made a HUGE mistake by us packing up our entire family and moving away from everyone and everything we've ever known.  I don't know if I will be able to "make it"  here.  It was never my intention to come and stay for a year and leave, but I just don't know if I can make it much longer.  So reveal to me a little bit of the plan here.  Whether the truth is that we just did our own thing while thinking we were fallowing hard after you, or whether this is just a HUGE attack from satan to try to deter us from the plans that you have laid out for our lives.  I don't want to give up just because the going is getting tough, but I don't want to keep going just because I am scared of what people might think about us FAILING!  Father you are SO much bigger then this, and you can work things out for YOUR glory... so I am begging you, please give me something here!!
Your hurting and lost daughter ~Hi-D~

I just want to be clear that this is actually a post that I wrote a few months back, but I did NOT feel peace about publishing it for all to see at the time.  Since then my feelings have very much changed, but even still, I feel like God is telling me "now!" so I will be obedient no matter how hard it is to admit to having such feelings in the first place.  I have since felt complete and total peace about where God has placed me, and I am grateful to have pushed through some of the trials with Christs help.  I know that my journey is far from over, but if my God is for me, then who can be against me??  I will continue to walk by faith and not by sight!!

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make your paths straight.

Monday, February 4, 2013

God's Big, Im Little

One thing I have discovered is that everything sounds better in my head then it does once it makes it's way out!!  I have all these thoughts, that at the time, seem absolutely amazing!!  And then when I'm ready to get them all out, NADA! (example: this blog was going to be an amazing story of renewing your light for Christ, but I pretty much sucked that one up).  It can be frustrating because as a prideful, insecure and often times begging for approval kinda person..I definitely want MY words to come out beautifully!!
I am starting to discover that perhaps that is the point.  That YOUR words come out just as lowly and terrible as they are, so that when something amazing or lovely or humble does make it's way onto your paper, you'll be able to say... "Where did that come from, because it was definitely NOT me?!"

Some of the most amazing times in my life are when I CANNOT explain how or why something happens.  I just sit back in awe and think to myself how cool MY GOD really is.  He can take broken relationships and mend them back together stronger and tighter then they ever were to begin with.  He can heal hearts that the pain is so deep and dark that it seems untouchable by the light of day ever again!  He can take scared and timid Christians and give them a boldness that they could never possess on their own! He can renew your mind, He can strengthen your faith and He has paid the ultimate price so that YOU can be saved!  He is amazing, so I don't have to have the perfect words to display that!!  He is enough!!  I cannot add to, or take away from the GREATNESS of my God!!

So trust Him, and He will fill you with a peace that is WAY beyond our understanding!  Believe in His Word and He will reveal the way that you should go!!  And get down right BOLD about the gift that you've been given.  Because no matter how lowly or pitiful your story may be, God can use it in a MIGHTY WAY!!

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" Hebrew 13:8
Trusting Him ~Hi-D~

"Be Still"

Well, A while back I was trying to post a blog from my phone and I couldn't get it to work, so I just posted it as my facebook status... but I now have a computer and so I would like to put it in "blog form" like I initially intended!!  Hope ya'll enjoy.
Have you ever wondered why the Bible says "be still and know that I am God"? That's what I've been wondering today.. I mean why doesn't it just say "know that I am God"? What's the point of the "be still" part? Well, I'm no scholar and I haven't done any fancy research on it, But the easiest way for me to understand it is by comparing it to parenthood. Okay parents, you all know what I'm about to say, I'm sure! 
Alright so say I'm a child (huge stretch I know) and I'm bee- boppin around my dad (God) and you know I'm talking extra loud (like right over him) doing a little dance (banging all up into him) and He's trying to get my attention but I'm too engrossed in making sure that nobody misses the next amazing thing that I might do. So he gets down on his knees(at my eye level) and takes me by the shoulders (so I can see straight into His eyes) and He says " child be still! Stop bouncing off the walls and listen to what I'm telling you.. because I'm your Father and I love you very much!!" That's the kind of God I serve!! He's not screaming at me telling me to "knock it off" like I most the time do when my kids are going crazy! No instead He gently ushers me back to place a calm and sure!
"Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalms 46:10
So when life feels out of control and you're at a place of utter chaos- Listen to His gentle nudge and be still and know that He is God!