I'm Sorry, We Ran Away!

About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog about being lonely in CT.  In that blog I talked about feeling all alone, and wondering why God would send us to CT, only for us to feel utterly hopeless. By the time I posted the blog, I had pushed through a lot of those feelings and was starting to really feel like we were going to be okay.  Then, we came "home" (to SC) for a visit.  During that visit, the homesick feeling came back with a vengeance.  I never wanted to come home so badly as I did after that vacation.  I thought that once we got home from vacation, and settled back into reality, those feelings would go away... but they didn't.  I felt so alone.. and the only thing I thought about was going back to SC.  So, I told Eric that I wanted to leave.  I just blurted it out one day.  With tears in my eyes, I said to him "I want to go home."  I never saw a man jump on a bandwagon so quickly.  I told him I wanted to go home on Wednesday, and early Monday morning I was on the road.  Part of me was relieved and happy, and part of me wondered if what we were doing was right.  When we decided to move to Connecticut, the one thing I remember is that even though it was scary, I never questioned if what we were doing was right, and neither did Eric.  Even in the midst of all the hardship and struggles while we were living there, I always knew that we were where God wanted us to be.  But, when I said I wanted to go home... deep deep down, I knew that what we were doing was for us.. and honestly, I didn't ask God... because I didn't want to hear the answer.  I knew the answer.  The answer was "no" but I wasn't willing to listen.  In many ways, coming home was harder then feeling homesick.  For probably the first time in my life, I had deliberately disobeyed God, and that was truly a feeling of hopelessness.  I started to really question where I stood with the Lord.  I was deeply sorry for running away, and I wanted to somehow make it right, but I didn't know how.  I knew that I was not willing to go back, and so how could I truly repent?  It felt like I would just be saying "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you, but I'm still not willing to listen to you."  But through that hopelessness, God worked.  For the first time in my life, I deeply realized my need for God's grace.  God revealed Himself to me in a way that I had not known Him before. Before, I "knew" that God was gracious, but I didn't "know" God's graciousness.  And so started my journey of repentance, forgiveness and learning to love myself again.  I was at probably my lowest point in my life, and God used those moments to mold me and mend me.  Things are still not perfect, but I know that Gods' plan for my life is good.  God knew that we would "go" when He said "go" and He knew we would run when he said "no!"  But he did not leave me.  He did not turn His back on me even in my disobedience.  He is the same, yesterday, today and forever, and for that I am ever thankful.

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever.

2 Duet 31:8
The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave your, nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.